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Life

Happy new year…

I know, it’s February.. but since this my first blog post of 2012, I thought the post title was fitting! :P

So what’s new? Nothing. Do you have anything new to share? Okay so there are a few new things. I’m working again- and enjoying being out of the house way more than I thought I would. I enjoy this line of work, always has. What’s it I’m doing you ask? Income taxes. And yes you read correctly… I enjoy it. Right now I’m studying and prepping for IRS’s EA Exam (Enrolled Agent). Don’t ask me why because I don’t yet have a clue. The only thing I do know, for sure, is corporate taxes make me want to pull my hair out of my head and run for the hills. HAHA Not really, but you got a good visual didn’t ya?

My divorce will be final next month. Yes divorce. When the one you’re married to finds the grass greener in someone else’s pasture and consistently lies about it and tells YOU that YOU are crazy for being suspicious… yeah, that’s a good indicator that it’s time to move on. And yes I am crazy, but I was right! The past couple months have been…difficult and trying, but I’m hanging in there thanks to some incredibly wonderful friends and my awesome Mom. Life goes on, and this life is definitely going on.

I have picked up a new hobby, well sort-of hobby that is. I’m an apprenticing tattoo artist– something I’ve always wanted to do but never had anyone I trusted to apprentice me. Well, now I do!! Still have a long way to go but it sure is fun getting there!

And since I’m at work and technically not supposed to be on the net… I must get off and do some real work. You know, the kind that pays the bills…bahahahahaha.

Later peeps….

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It’s Been a While……..

Quite a while actually. And a lot has happened since last time I was online. Of course, the reason for me net absence is that I moved and no longer have access to my wonderful (NOT) cable internet. Who knew I’d actually miss it, but I do. My only options are satellite net… Hughes or Wild Blue.. and as of yet I haven’t made my mind up which is the better of the two. So… no net for me.

In more pressing news… my hubby left me about three weeks ago. Packed up and moved out. Shocking? Yes, it was to me as well. But life goes on right? I’ve survived worse in my life… and then some. Needless to say, I am one angry scorned woman and you know what they say about a woman scorned.

He came up with this crazy notion that we should date each other. Date. We’re married. I don’t see how that could work and to be quite honest, I’m just a tad bit too angry for that at this moment. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be to a point where I trust him enough to let him back into my world. And the kids… his moving out has done a number on them too. My Lil Man is seeing a neuropsychologist for other things so I talked to the doc about it and he said Lil Man will be just fine. In fact, he said that he’ll handle this better than me. He said to just keep doing what I’m doing by trying to keep his normal routine as much as possible and he’ll bounce right back. That was a load of this mama’s mind for sure.

Who knows what the future holds… certainly not me. I’m taking each day as it comes. One day at a time as the old cliche says. So far so good.

So I decided to go back to work since I now need an income of my own. Starting January 5th, I’ll be back into the work of income taxes. Can’t say I’m really excited about it- it’s a job; one that will get me by till another comes along which will hopefully be before the end of tax season. Keep your fingers crossed and say a few prayers for me. With two kids to support, I can’t live off rental income and child support alone. BUT, I’m gonna be okay. I am, I know I am. No more Debbie Downer here… I’ve had enough of that.

Maybe with some luck my online presence will increase back to normal in the next few weeks. I’ve certainly missed you all and my lonely little blog… my outlet.

Until next time… peace & love to ya!!!

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Crazy, chaotic, and awesome…

I haven’t been writing much lately… actually for a few months; and I know I’ve lost some readers in that time. It’s okay, and I understand. Life has been hectic (and somewhat insane) as it so often can be, and I’ve struggled to find the time to really focus on putting thoughts to paper (or keyboard in this case). I’ve missed it, I must admit. I’ve missed giving my thoughts a voice; I’ve missed sharing that voice with you; and I’ve missed, most of all, the interaction between us.

It is so heart-warming to know that there is someone else out there who feels the way I do about something; someone who is or has had the same struggles as me; someone who understands what it means to be a wife, mother, daughter, sister, and child of God… and how stressful this life can be. Logically, I know, we all know, that we aren’t alone in this world. But sometimes it’s hard to see another person’s chaos when we look beyond our front door steps. Sometimes it seems as if everyone around us is so well put together that we are the odd duck in a sea of swans. The reality is, however, that we are all swans. We’re all the same, even when the water is murky.

Yesterday started the third week of the new school year… I, once again, have eight glorious hours of alone time. Do you know what one can do with eight hours of alone time? I had forgotten until recently. Though I do miss the kids (have to get used to the “back to school” routine all over again), it is wonderful to have this time to myself. I’ve finally set my office hours since, unlike last school year, I’m a work-from-home-mom.  I have wonderful quiet time to spend in prayer; time to catch up with online friends and reading; and time to really pace myself. There is more value to school that just the kids’ educations! We are planning a move soon (same school district, different location)– mid September we’re hoping– and having this time is going to be really beneficial to getting things planned and ready.

Speaking of the upcoming move… I have prayed over this (our house on the market; finding a new home, etc) for months. Literally, months. I was convinced a few months ago that we’d be moving by the beginning of the summer. That has, of course, come and gone. I did feel a little let down, but realized that I must be patient and wait on God’s timing. After all, He is the one who knows our (my family’s) future. I started praying that He would send the right person to us… the one He wanted to see in our house. The funny thing about prayer is… when you ask, you receive.

Three weeks ago, hubs and I began talking about the possibility of renting the house while it is up for sale. It has been sitting there empty all this time (do you know what happens to an un-lived-in house?) and wasn’t doing us any good. We weren’t making anything off it, and were in fact losing money that we can’t afford to lose. We talked about renting it for all of about an hour on a Friday night, and decided we’d talk about it more later. The following Monday, I received a call from an incredibly wonderful woman who was interested in buying, but wanted to know if we’d consider renting for a year with an option to buy. We hadn’t even finished discussing the possibilities of renting… hadn’t made definite plans, hadn’t done anything. And this woman just fell right into our laps. Remember what I asked for in prayer? That God would send us the right person? Well, she and I talked several times and each time just confirmed in my mind that this was orchestrated by God Himself. Our house is officially leased now!

I also prayed that God would show us where He wanted us to make our home. The Thursday following Monday’s call regarding our house, I received a call regarding a house for us. We looked at it that evening and both of us knew right then that it was the one for us. Both our minds were made up before even discussing it… without any doubts whatsoever. In four days time, God not only brought us the person who belongs in our house, but He also showed us the house in which we belong.  God’s perfect timing!

Life has been crazy and chaotic; stressful and unorganized; and feeling completely out of control at times… but the greatest part is knowing that even when it feels out of control, God is always in control! I don’t have to worry or stress or fear… God is always there and He is awesome! (Now if He would just take care of this toothache for me! Ha.. only kidding, sort of.)

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How Great Thou Art, Indeed…

I didn’t realize just how much easier it can be, sometimes, to look up when you’re upside down. When the world tilts and shift, turns head over heels, it almost forces you to look up on a constant basis. Looking up keeps you in the light, rather than the consuming darkness that you face when holding your head low.

I don’t understand life’s ups and downs, twists and turns, and not so pleasant surprises. Maybe it’s not for me to understand. Maybe it’s in those times that I should try harder to look up, rather than slipping down into that dark place that gives a false sense of security.

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Music is one of those things that really speaks to me. I feel it in the depths of my soul; and more often than not, during good times and bad, find myself turning to music. Often, it is the feeling portrayed in the music, in the singing of the song, that speaks to me. Just as this amazing performance by Carrie Underwood spoke to me on a very deep level… something my soul desperately needed. A gentle reminder that He is, indeed, Great… greater than any troubles, any confusion, any doubt, any darkness that threatens to consume me, any heartbreak, anything…

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When it’s time to let go…

Sometimes the hardest part of being a mama is letting a child go their own way. It’s hard to let go, knowing that child is making bad decisions– decisions that could affect him for many years to come– and doesn’t have a firm grip on the realities of this world. But it’s also something that has to happen, eventually.

As a mother, I want to make all the decisions because I have the benefit of experience and the knowledge that comes from experience and actually living. But there comes a point when I have to step back and allow the child, now a young man, to learn on his own– hoping that the lessons I’ve tried to teach were actually heard, and knowing that no matter what, God is always in control.

I think about Mary– on that long trip back to Jerusalem to find her Son whom she thought was lost. Not a ten minute trip up the street, but a day’s journey spent backtracking on foot and the backs of donkeys. I’d imagine she was worried sick wondering where He was and what He was doing on their three day search– a twelve year old boy in such a “big city” alone. It’s no different today than it was then. Yes, Jesus was ‘about His Father’s business’ that day, and He is God in the flesh, but He was also Mary’s young Son. And her worry was what a mother does.  (Luke 2:41-49)

What we have to keep in mind though– what I have to keep in mind– is that God was always in control that day in Jerusalem. Every minute. Every second.  Just as He’s in control now.

The only solace I have is knowing that while I’m not there to see that he’s okay, the Father is.  I can sleep peacefully tonight knowing that God is with him.  The worrying, I’m sure, will come tomorrow.  And when it does, I’ll turn it over to God and be at peace again.

Because no matter how bad I want to make sure he makes all the right decisions… no matter how bad I want to see that he is fed and warm… no matter how bad I want to be there for every step to make sure he’s going down the right path… I can’t.  I’m only his mother.

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