Today is a day I haven’t celebrated in the past five years; a day I’ve wanted to avoid because of the sadness it brings. Today is my little brother’s birthday. I miss him just as much today as I did last year, and the year before, and the four other birthdays before that. It’s so hard to describe the void that is left when you lose a sibling– especially one you are so close to. Even with the hole that has been left in my life where he belongs, I am able to find joy in this birthday. I am able to find cause for celebration; something I haven’t been able to do in the previous years. I am able to celebrate the life my brother lived, the love he shared, and the impression he left on everyone he encountered. I am able to celebrate because I know there will come a day when we will be reunited, and I find so much comfort and joy in that. He is in the most beautiful place in existence, and for that I am truly thankful.
It was a long road getting to this place; a road paved with questions and anger and tears. A road I didn’t want to travel for fear of where it may lead. But I am here now, and I am better for it. Knowing that my best friend is alive and well in the glory of heaven fills my heart with immeasurable joy, but it doesn’t make me miss him any less. It doesn’t fill the void that his death has left in my life; nothing ever can or ever will. But it doesn’t hurt the same as it did… because I know that his death wasn’t the end. I will see him again. When it’s time.
I found a post I wrote exactly one year ago today but never published. I want to share it with you now…
Originally written December 16, 2009 at 1:44 am
Happy birthday little brother. I can’t believe you’d be 27 today. More than that, I can’t believe this is the fifth birthday without you. I keep thinking about how much a person changes in five years, especially between the ages of 20 to 25 and 25 to 30. Thinking of how much I changed from 22 to 27, in just five short years; makes me wonder what you’d be like now, at 27. I always just assumed you’d be around forever. It never dawned on me that we could actually lose you. Never even crossed my mind. Even though we know tomorrow isn’t promised; and we will all die someday. It just never occurred to me that it could happen so early, and so suddenly. And now, it still feels… indescribable.
I’ve remembered more and more over the past four years what you were like as a little baby then as a toddler. It’s not hard to remember because my Little Man reminds me so much of you. He even looks like you at his age. It’s so ironic. He’ll never know you, and that is so heart breaking, but he’s so much like you. And you were so excited about him, so excited when I told you I was pregnant. You loved him before he was even born. I will make sure he knows that. I will make sure he knows you.
I want you to know that even though life has gone on without you, I haven’t forgotten you. I could never forget you. You are always there, in my mind, in my heart, in my thoughts. Even on days when things are so chaotic that it would seem that I don’t have time to think of you, you’re there. I can’t even express how much I miss you… there aren’t enough words in the English language. I’ve been kinda lost without you, lost in a sense that I don’t have anyone I can really talk to anymore. I don’t have that level of trust with anyone else, so I just don’t open up like I always did with you. I miss that. I guess I’ll always miss that.
Some days I want to hear your voice so bad that I ache. Other days I’d give anything to be able to give you a great big hug. And other days, I just cry.
I don’t go to your grave anymore. I can’t seem to force myself to. I tell myself I want to, but then when it comes right down to it, I just can’t. It’s just too sad. I hope you can forgive me for that. I think you would.
I get angry too. Angry because you were taken away from me, from us. Sometimes I don’t know how to handle that anger, or where to place it. It’s a very emotional thing this grief. From excruciating sadness to overwhelming anger to happiness and laughter at some random memory. It’s all so confusing. But I take it as it comes.
Right after we lost you, while we were waiting for you to be brought home, I remember standing on the back porch, where we all shared so many laughs, and wishing as hard as I could that I could see and talk to you just one more time. Just once. That was all I asked for. I wished so hard, harder than I ever have for anything. But, it didn’t happen. I knew it wouldn’t, realistically. But I still wished.
Sometimes it’s nice to sit back and think about the good memories. Like when I was 13 or 14 or something like that and called myself making you a birthday cake. I don’t remember exactly how it turned out other than this overwhelming impression that it was NOT good, and the lame candy cane ‘pole’ that was supposed to be the North Pole. You know, birthday in December. I wish I could remember what you thought about that stupid cake, but I don’t. Didn’t seem like something I needed to remember at the time. Now? Now I wish I’d paid more attention to little things like that. Or held onto those memories a little harder, so I’d have them safely tucked away now.
I’m happy for the memories I do have. I’m happy to have had the time I did with you, even if it was too short. I miss the closeness we had; the kind of closeness that can only be shared between siblings. I miss my best friend and confidante. I miss your goofiness. I miss your jokes. I miss your contagious energy and laughter. Mostly though, I miss my brother. And I always will.
Happy birthday little brother. I love you. I miss you. And I’ll be seeing you again one day…
Around their tree were presents galore. From huge to tiny, more huge than tiny. One of those huge presents was mine. It was pretty shocking when my step dad pushed that huge box in my direction (they saved it for last). I looked at the box and then at them; both were grinning like monkeys. So I proceeded to move the box a little closer and noticed that it was pretty heavy. Naturally I had all sort of thoughts running through my mind– mostly I thought it was probably a television because the box was so big and the weight felt about right; though I couldn’t, for the life of me, figure out why they’d get me a television. I ripped the paper off the box only to find it was heavily taped– the box that is. After a few minutes of pulling what seemed like an entire roll of Scotch off the box, I was finally into it. I opened the top flaps to find wadded up newspaper, balled up wrapping paper, and packing popcorn inside.
In their wacky trick wrapping minds, they had taped a $100 bill inside one of the holes in the block. That was a major upswing after such disappointment, but I was so irritated with them I couldn’t even speak! I could laugh, but not speak! They got me, and they got me big. Huge. It made me furious… not that there wasn’t a nice big television in that box, but that they actually got me. Furiously funny, yes. I so arrogantly thought that they could never pull one over on me. Leave it to the parents to teach me yet another lesson!
So, we took pictures! I’m pretty proud of how these turned out… we had a hard time with them because the wind was gusting pretty hard and the sun kept going in and out. But, we did manage to get some pretty good ones I think! (Especially considering I’m not a professional, or even a good amateur for that matter.. hehe!)
