I’m hoping for the latter. I know many of you will go, and that’s okay. I understand. But I truly hope you will stay, and read on- to the end.
As far back as I can remember, I have always been a passionate individual. When I believe in something, I believe with everything in me. When I jump on board something, I don’t do it half-way. Sometimes I take on too much because of this, and end up feeling dazed and confused, but eventually it all works out.
Those of you who know me personally know the crosses I’ve had to bear. You know the struggles I’ve had to face and you know the pain it has caused me. You know how hard it has been to deal with the reality of my past- from childhood to early adulthood. Even today, I struggle with the weight of it all. BUT, this struggle is what has made me who I am. These events that have been with me for so many years have molded me into the passionate person I am today. I’ve made mistakes- some small, some large, some catastrophic- but these mistakes don’t define me. They are not who I am. The things that have happened to me- things beyond my control- don’t define me. They are not who I am. The way I’ve handled these things- events, mistakes, tragedies- the lessons I’ve learned and brought with me does define me. This is who I am.
I’ve had to learn forgiveness the hard way- one of the hardest ways possible. True forgiveness. Not just empty words; but true and pure forgiveness. That is something I couldn’t do on my own. It’s in my nature, just as it is in everyone, to hold grudges; to harbor anger and resentment; to hate. To truly forgive and let go of all those emotions is humanly impossible.
In the midst of all the bad that has plagued the majority of my 36 years is hope. Light. Something that has changed me from within- not my personality; not the passion that has emerged from tragedy- that is who I am and that remains the same. My heart has changed. My mind has changed. My life has changed. I have been given the strength to forgive, truly forgive, and that forgiveness has opened my eyes to a much brighter world. I have found a peace that I never knew existed. I have found more passion than I knew was possible. Some days I am filled with such happiness that I could shout it from a mountain top; scream it out for the whole world to hear. Of course some days are a little dimmer, because I still have my crosses to bear. But I no longer have to go it alone. I don’t have to fear the darkness anymore because I know the darkness will never come again. I am finally, truly, free to live and to hope and to love. And that is a powerful thing!
If you’re still reading, I sincerely thank you and hope you will continue on…
I am just a person. A person who messes up; who says the wrong things at the wrong times; who is sometimes too lazy to get dressed or brush my hair; who cries at sappy commercials; who laughs at jokes five minutes after they’ve been told; and who thinks deeply and loves sincerely. I’m not wise or witty; I’m not good at giving advice or taking my own. I’m a person who sometimes changes her mind about something an hour after making a decision. I’m overweight and I’m a smoker. I’m a serious procrastinator and I sometimes run from responsibility. But it’s okay. Because I am loved for who I am, just the way I am. And I know this for a fact.
I read this poem I’m about to share with you some 6 months ago or so; it has been on my refrigerator ever since to serve as a reminder that it is okay to be who I am, and that it’s no accident…
You are who you are for a reason.
you’re part of an intricate plan.
You’re a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God’s special woman or man.
You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
You’re just what He wanted to make.
The parents you had were the ones He chose,
and no matter how you may feel,
They were custom designed with God’s plan in mind,
And they bear the Master’s seal.
No, that trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart,
So that into His likeness you’d grow.
You are who you are for a reason,
You’ve been formed by the Master’s rod.
You are who you are, beloved,
Because there is a God!
by Russell Kelfer
When I read that, I cried. I cried because it was at that moment that my life long question- Why me?- had been answered. I cried because it was at that moment I realized that nothing I’d done mattered- He still loved me. I cried because I’d wasted so many years being hurt and angry, and not knowing who I was really angry with. I cried because for the first time in my life, I felt like I mattered.
I sat down and prayed that day; I prayed that God would take my pain away, and I thanked Him for making me who I am. I thanked Him for not turning His back on me when I turned my back on Him. And I cried some more, because I had turned my back on Him. That night, I slept more peacefully than I ever have. I didn’t lie there in the dark worrying about the next day; worrying about things I had no control over or worrying about things in the past I couldn’t change. I simply… slept.
I didn’t realize until a few months later, when someone who sees and talks to me pretty regularly mentioned, that I had changed. I wasn’t the same person as I had been a few months earlier. I don’t know if the change was gradual or near-instant. I don’t know because I didn’t notice. I knew I felt better, inside. I knew I wasn’t as angry or as easily angered. But I didn’t realize to what extent I’d changed until someone pointed it out. The more I thought about it, the more I realized it was true. And apparently this person wasn’t the only one to notice.
This change wasn’t my doing. I don’t have that kind of power or control. I was the same person for 35 years. I don’t have the ability to change myself that drastically in a matter of a few months. Only God has that kind of power. Only the Master who created me can change me to such an extent. And He has.
I’m not going to try and convince you to believe in something you don’t; and I’m not going to try to change you. I don’t have that kind of power either. I am going to wish for you to feel what I feel, however. And I’m going to share something that I wish, HOPE, for everyone…
Life was filled with guns and war and all of us got trampled on the floor.
I wish we’d all been ready.
Children died, the days grew cold. A piece of bread could buy a bag of gold.
I wish we’d all been ready.
There’s no time to change your mind. The Son has come and you’ve been left behind.
A man and wife asleep in bed
She hears a noise and turns her head he’s gone.
I wish we’d all been ready. Two men walking up a hill, one disappears, and one’s left standing still. I wish we’d all been ready. There’s no time to change your mind. The Son has come and you’ve been left behind. The Father spoke, the demons died. How could you have been so blind? There’s no time to change your mind. The Son has come and you’ve been left behind.
I hope we’ll all be ready.
Recorded by dc Talk, written by Larry Norman.
If you’ve stayed with me till then end, then I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are loved, never doubt that, ever.
